Thursday, 10 September 2015
Tired. Posted at 02:55 0 comments (+)

I'm so freaking tired with my life. I know I'm blessed and I'm thankful to God but I'm just too tired dealing with people. It feels like I'm too attached to them and I end up getting hurt. Why peoples? Why always hurt me? I want to run away. Somewhere far far away from here. Somewhere far than Malaysia. My problem is I have high expectation on people and the result of that is dissapointment. I expect them to be good enough which they are not. I'm so tired of having feelings. I just want to feel numb. In that way, I won't feel anything. I won't hurt. I'm tired of dealing with this kind of people. Lets just move on and live.

I'm always trying to please people. Being my selfiesh self, I normally have my own best interests at heart, but swallow those to please others regardless. Always. So I don't get where you're going with this. So fed up with the people around me. Everything is merely hanging by a thread protected by a thin veil of silence. Everything is okay because nothing is being said. I can't wait for the next chapter in my life to begin. I'm so fucking sick of you making me feel worthless. I'm sick of feeling my heart legit breaking because of you. Fuck everything.

All people do constantly through put the whole fucking day, treat me like sh*t and doesn't care what would I feel, and it basically screams fakeness and is just a big middle finger to my face and making me feel like a second option to most people. I tried and be as nice as I can but I'm fed up. I'm through feeling like a shitty second option to people that I thought were friends with me and kind enough and weren't going to stab me in the back. I always push through putting one fake smile and some shit, when really on inside I'm already hurt and angry and depressed beyong believe. I'm pretty sure if I died, no one would give 2 shits. And if there are, they would be fake as f*ck and claiming that they're wrong enough and will claims me as their friends. Lol. I'm done giving a shit about everything. It just leads to heart break and sadness and I can't take any of it anymore. It;s just going to drive me up a wall and through a window into a giant pool of lava. I'm beyond tired and enough.

Sometimes I wonder if it even matters. These words, this breathe, this life I lead. I suppose if it did I wouldn’t care so much. I wouldn’t hurt the way I do. I wouldn’t feel so angry. So Empty. This is nothing but a trial, a phase to lead me where I need to be. That place beyond the unknown, that place we all think about.  That life we all wish to lead.  Alas there is no fulfillment in what ifs, only sadness and regret.  If I loved enough, laughed enough, spread my thoughts enough, than perhaps I wouldn’t feel so forgotten. Perhaps then I could be whole. I guess I just do that to the people I care about. If I feel that they don’t care about me, then I’ll just shut them out of my life for good. I really wish it weren’t that way, but I feel like it’s the better for them that way.

I’m stronger than this. I have to remember I’m not the one with something to prove. I’m going to live my life each day until its proven to me that things have changed. I’m not going to stop my life for someone who may not even find me important enough to fight for. It’s okay to feel sad at first but eventually I'm going to have to realize that I am so much better on my own. When you love someone you ignore all the bad things and focus on the good. Take some time to step back and see that the bad outweighed the good and you will realize you are better off alone.

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Hajjatul Darwisyah Mohd Zaaba.


Kedah, Malaysia.

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